Hiding the awkwardness - pretty hard

No I ain't camera shy but I may be shy at weird places

It's just one of those shitty days when your old self arises when you already did your best to be confident and permanent that smile, but still it's hard to ignore the fact that yes, I am being socially awkward and it just sucks so bad!

Today's service was about the earthly father and the heavenly father. To be honest, at times I forgot about the existence of my own daddy. It's like he's not really a part of my life, I do not know his emotions, his thoughts and he doesn't know the real me too. Sometimes I would look at other fathers and thought to myself that he would be more affirming. So how in the world you relate lacking of a father's affirmation and social awkwardness?

Without a strong supportive backbone, growing up, I find it hard to voice out my opinions confidently, at one point I totally felt awkward talking to guys, I have damn lots of insecurities, I am damn nervous at bringing up myself and all of these comes back to the origin of AFFIRMATION. It is something so important which I do not have, which he did not give me, and which I longed for. If you ask again, how you relate? It's simple. A backbone you developed at home, will bring you to greater heights when you come out from your cave to the world.
I know it sound funny, but KATY PERRY HERSELF SAID:

Act confident when you really aren't cope with it till you got that confidence.

True. Maybe that's what I've been doing. Holding my head up high when I feel like crawling into some hole to hide, it helps after all. But not always. Today I question myself again, why did it happened today? I am not supposed to be faking my smile, burying my awkwardness. I leaked. The old me surfaced. That few minutes felt so DAMN FREAKING LONG. I tried to clear it off but no, I can't. I can't be me. I'm afraid to show the me. And yes, they are a cliche, I felt weird, I tried but still, I got lost. Shitty days like these just make me think twice as much.

Need some time to evaluate myself. Brrrr.

College sem 1 Part 1

Lutduts - Group 6 sem 1

I'm just out of words, on the first day of college never have I imagined what a bunch of crazy people I'll meet. Inside I'm totally grateful and felt so blessed to meet a growing circle of friends. Here's a timeline to the people I met.

Top of broga team WE MADE IT HAHAHA

Wait, let me turn around a little. Back to the first day of class.
Here's TAN JUN YOUNG my first classmate before I switched my subject to Microeconomics. Was just barely two weeks but I made fun of him like no tomorrow hahaha. Missed teasing him a lot.

Tan Jun Young hamsap lou

Then here comes Jon my best college buddy for no reason

Then this cray girl joined our class

The time when I was ngong gui gui

Heading back to my mountain

Because of insecurities I need people to be around me. I used to think I will NEVER EVER be a loner, or enjoy quality time alone. Parties, crowds and outings excite me. Yeah I still enjoy them now but what changed is something that I can't even interpret myself. I started to like the feeling of being alone. I think I'm beginning to love myself, to love the stuff I do, and love how I wander my thoughts, thinking of all sorts of random stuff, imaginary future happenings, and life. And these are the feelings I can never express with words. It feels free, a relief that I have no need to present myself a lot. What happened to that noisy girl, that girl who laughs because she's sad inside, that gorl clinging to people because she feels uneasy being alone? It's all peeled off, left with the now me. Confidence. But for most of the times I prefer, to hide in my mountain, alone, or just a few peeps, to talk bout life and enjoy the casual silence, of being with people but no conversation. Growing up? I don't know but I don't mind getting wild sometimes, go crazy with a bunch of people, laugh like shit with college peeps and yeah I wanna get drunk shit HAHAHAHA and dance my ass off to Edm. Party hard? Yeah. But now I still want to cling onto my mountain. Wake me up when the party comes.

Nailed it, I feel myself

Everyone thinks that I'm the good girl, I mean like the girl who doesn't swear (which I do when I am like super angry), the girl who is innocent (bullshit, I know more than you), the girl who doesn't talk well (yeah I guess in high school). So now I attend college, and I thought, it is amazing, I can be myself. I don't have to act, like I don't know everything, like I'm a weakling anymore. I've got guts but I hid them. Trust me I do terrible things for a nerd. Nerd. Maybe. Maybe not. I study yeah I do and I do get stressed up about grades. Back in high school I just aimed for some certain level of grades, but now I feel competitive, I always aim to beat the class' top student (just for motivation). I don't need to hold back my shits, my IDGAFs, my ASSHOL*s anymore. Yay. I don't know I don't purposely say it but when you call someone a bitch, it's funny when it's a joke HAHAHA. I never got to say 'ma bitches' in high school, now I can say whatever I want, but not too often.

I have big dreams, I may be nobody now, just some normal college kid, but I will make things big, I wanna an impact. Someday.

Landed on safe ground

Insecurities, the one thing that everyone tries to hide, and something I'm concerned of. Growing up I'm always hungry for love, not in desperation but there is always this empty place which makes me feel alone. I thought of why and somehow I have an answer, I realized I didn't have support, a backbone which pushes me beyond my comfort zone. My parents, well they love me but they do not seem to know the importance of supporting me in making friends, in the things I do. I was so bad at being confident, I even had a problem talking to guys in primary school, They never told me 'You can do it' yet mum always say 'stupid' and words that tend to poke through my heart. I was so young at heart, brittle, but I beared with these words.

I attended church. which was quite a challenge. I can't tell my grandparents, and I'm always scared to ask my mum for permission. What they said really hurt me back then, I'm not sure why they hurt me verbally, maybe they don't want me to me blinded, or lose myself? I was just 13, 14. Mum used to be someone so hateful that I shouted at her, I rebel a lot, because she wouldn't let me to go church sometimes.

Looking my friends, well most of them are Christians so I really admired them. Their family attend church together, and the aura, it's a totally different one from mine. Mum always say that I don't like to stay at home. Duh, who likes a place where you don't feel happy.

Few years ago I was uncommitted to any churches, I only join for special events and spent the rest of my weekends at home. I realized, I couldn't find a place, where I feel home. I just don't feel like yes, this is the place I wanna be, not till lately. I joined life group, which leads me to ENCM. I actually went there occasionally in the past, to Teens, but now I joined the campus service and somewhere in my mind says, yeah, this is it. It's time to land down.

I made it to safe ground. Then I realized, my home can be made into safe ground too. I came across a Facebook post which my ex- church leader included a photo of his parents worshiping. The caption was : " After 14 years, my dad finally invited Christ into his life and my mum made it back to church". I want that to happen to my family, so now I'm their backbone, I support them.

I gripped on for 7 years, and here I see change in me, growing slowly in this discipleship. I landed, what's more?

I admit it's a selfie album. My bad.

mememememememememe ME

In less than two weeks my bff (the blur one from the the sakai gang) is gonna study overseas. I don't know but it's a mixed of emotions. One, I'm happy that she's finally making it after years of delaying and of course she's gonna be in a new environment herself. Second, I cannot crash in her house anytime I want in the future, I'm gonna miss her like crazy! Yes I admit I need a lot of company hahaha. Not gonna be emotional here but I guess we just look US in the selfies, and give it a thumbs up for my good hair day.

Hah, she's copying my smile hahahaha.

We do it weird

and weirder

Perfect. 

I'm just scared of A- levels, really.

Took this long ago and it just felt perfect for this post. Art of frustration.

Recently I am doing research on pre-U courses. Well known courses such as A-levels and Ausmat came to mind straightaway. The thing is I can't choose, I really can't. I really think I'm not the kind of person who can cope with hardcore examination based studies which means A-levels, yes, I felt like dying before SPM, I hated Addmaths, I hate Physics, I understand Chemistry but well I still get bad grades, I like Biology but I admit I wasn't hardworking enough to memorize all the Bio syllabus. So I was wondering, is it that I'm not meant to continue in the field of Science or is it that I didn't put enough effort? I started to think about the field Business. I can't decide. Obviously if you ask me I would choose the field of Science, but I just like to know and I'm not really sure if I wanna study Pharmacy, biotech or other medical related degrees.

On the other hand Ausmat is my second choice because I get to choose 5 subjects from both fields, Science and Humanity. I'm not sure. Can I do Law? Psychology? Wait, neuroscience Psychology or just Psychology? I've got thousands of questions about everything. Honestly I wanted to make my life easy and just pursue in Mass communications. I meant, it's fun, and more lively and you know, no more Science and Business. But deep down I know it myself. I can't. I really just can't. I know I wanna to be specialized in something, like really professional specialization. I know I can, if I really study hard but again, the lazy part of me made me hesitate, Wait, am i lazy? Or it's that I really can't interpret the world of Science?

Call me crazy but I've dreamed of being a surgeon, and recently I thought Psychiatrists are pretty interesting. But HELLO that literally means I need to take up Medicine. I MUST BE CRAZY. I admit it, I've never got A for any Science subjects before, Biology was an exception, it was just for one semester though.

And I've thought of Biotechnology, Nutrition, Psychology in Medical, and suddenly here comes Engineering. Wait, I hated Physics the most, no way! I'm in a mess!

Honestly, I'm just so scared of failing A-levels, I'm not a quick thinker when it comes to Maths, I know that myself but no harm trying hard right?


I wanna have a profession. I'm scared of taking A-levels.  I think I've lost my guts.