Insecurities, the one thing that everyone tries to hide, and something I'm concerned of. Growing up I'm always hungry for love, not in desperation but there is always this empty place which makes me feel alone. I thought of why and somehow I have an answer, I realized I didn't have support, a backbone which pushes me beyond my comfort zone. My parents, well they love me but they do not seem to know the importance of supporting me in making friends, in the things I do. I was so bad at being confident, I even had a problem talking to guys in primary school, They never told me 'You can do it' yet mum always say 'stupid' and words that tend to poke through my heart. I was so young at heart, brittle, but I beared with these words.
I attended church. which was quite a challenge. I can't tell my grandparents, and I'm always scared to ask my mum for permission. What they said really hurt me back then, I'm not sure why they hurt me verbally, maybe they don't want me to me blinded, or lose myself? I was just 13, 14. Mum used to be someone so hateful that I shouted at her, I rebel a lot, because she wouldn't let me to go church sometimes.
Looking my friends, well most of them are Christians so I really admired them. Their family attend church together, and the aura, it's a totally different one from mine. Mum always say that I don't like to stay at home. Duh, who likes a place where you don't feel happy.
Few years ago I was uncommitted to any churches, I only join for special events and spent the rest of my weekends at home. I realized, I couldn't find a place, where I feel home. I just don't feel like yes, this is the place I wanna be, not till lately. I joined life group, which leads me to ENCM. I actually went there occasionally in the past, to Teens, but now I joined the campus service and somewhere in my mind says, yeah, this is it. It's time to land down.
I made it to safe ground. Then I realized, my home can be made into safe ground too. I came across a Facebook post which my ex- church leader included a photo of his parents worshiping. The caption was : " After 14 years, my dad finally invited Christ into his life and my mum made it back to church". I want that to happen to my family, so now I'm their backbone, I support them.
I gripped on for 7 years, and here I see change in me, growing slowly in this discipleship. I landed, what's more?
