Hiding the awkwardness - pretty hard

No I ain't camera shy but I may be shy at weird places

It's just one of those shitty days when your old self arises when you already did your best to be confident and permanent that smile, but still it's hard to ignore the fact that yes, I am being socially awkward and it just sucks so bad!

Today's service was about the earthly father and the heavenly father. To be honest, at times I forgot about the existence of my own daddy. It's like he's not really a part of my life, I do not know his emotions, his thoughts and he doesn't know the real me too. Sometimes I would look at other fathers and thought to myself that he would be more affirming. So how in the world you relate lacking of a father's affirmation and social awkwardness?

Without a strong supportive backbone, growing up, I find it hard to voice out my opinions confidently, at one point I totally felt awkward talking to guys, I have damn lots of insecurities, I am damn nervous at bringing up myself and all of these comes back to the origin of AFFIRMATION. It is something so important which I do not have, which he did not give me, and which I longed for. If you ask again, how you relate? It's simple. A backbone you developed at home, will bring you to greater heights when you come out from your cave to the world.
I know it sound funny, but KATY PERRY HERSELF SAID:

Act confident when you really aren't cope with it till you got that confidence.

True. Maybe that's what I've been doing. Holding my head up high when I feel like crawling into some hole to hide, it helps after all. But not always. Today I question myself again, why did it happened today? I am not supposed to be faking my smile, burying my awkwardness. I leaked. The old me surfaced. That few minutes felt so DAMN FREAKING LONG. I tried to clear it off but no, I can't. I can't be me. I'm afraid to show the me. And yes, they are a cliche, I felt weird, I tried but still, I got lost. Shitty days like these just make me think twice as much.

Need some time to evaluate myself. Brrrr.

College sem 1 Part 1

Lutduts - Group 6 sem 1

I'm just out of words, on the first day of college never have I imagined what a bunch of crazy people I'll meet. Inside I'm totally grateful and felt so blessed to meet a growing circle of friends. Here's a timeline to the people I met.

Top of broga team WE MADE IT HAHAHA

Wait, let me turn around a little. Back to the first day of class.
Here's TAN JUN YOUNG my first classmate before I switched my subject to Microeconomics. Was just barely two weeks but I made fun of him like no tomorrow hahaha. Missed teasing him a lot.

Tan Jun Young hamsap lou

Then here comes Jon my best college buddy for no reason

Then this cray girl joined our class

The time when I was ngong gui gui

Heading back to my mountain

Because of insecurities I need people to be around me. I used to think I will NEVER EVER be a loner, or enjoy quality time alone. Parties, crowds and outings excite me. Yeah I still enjoy them now but what changed is something that I can't even interpret myself. I started to like the feeling of being alone. I think I'm beginning to love myself, to love the stuff I do, and love how I wander my thoughts, thinking of all sorts of random stuff, imaginary future happenings, and life. And these are the feelings I can never express with words. It feels free, a relief that I have no need to present myself a lot. What happened to that noisy girl, that girl who laughs because she's sad inside, that gorl clinging to people because she feels uneasy being alone? It's all peeled off, left with the now me. Confidence. But for most of the times I prefer, to hide in my mountain, alone, or just a few peeps, to talk bout life and enjoy the casual silence, of being with people but no conversation. Growing up? I don't know but I don't mind getting wild sometimes, go crazy with a bunch of people, laugh like shit with college peeps and yeah I wanna get drunk shit HAHAHAHA and dance my ass off to Edm. Party hard? Yeah. But now I still want to cling onto my mountain. Wake me up when the party comes.

Nailed it, I feel myself

Everyone thinks that I'm the good girl, I mean like the girl who doesn't swear (which I do when I am like super angry), the girl who is innocent (bullshit, I know more than you), the girl who doesn't talk well (yeah I guess in high school). So now I attend college, and I thought, it is amazing, I can be myself. I don't have to act, like I don't know everything, like I'm a weakling anymore. I've got guts but I hid them. Trust me I do terrible things for a nerd. Nerd. Maybe. Maybe not. I study yeah I do and I do get stressed up about grades. Back in high school I just aimed for some certain level of grades, but now I feel competitive, I always aim to beat the class' top student (just for motivation). I don't need to hold back my shits, my IDGAFs, my ASSHOL*s anymore. Yay. I don't know I don't purposely say it but when you call someone a bitch, it's funny when it's a joke HAHAHA. I never got to say 'ma bitches' in high school, now I can say whatever I want, but not too often.

I have big dreams, I may be nobody now, just some normal college kid, but I will make things big, I wanna an impact. Someday.