Hiding the awkwardness - pretty hard

No I ain't camera shy but I may be shy at weird places

It's just one of those shitty days when your old self arises when you already did your best to be confident and permanent that smile, but still it's hard to ignore the fact that yes, I am being socially awkward and it just sucks so bad!

Today's service was about the earthly father and the heavenly father. To be honest, at times I forgot about the existence of my own daddy. It's like he's not really a part of my life, I do not know his emotions, his thoughts and he doesn't know the real me too. Sometimes I would look at other fathers and thought to myself that he would be more affirming. So how in the world you relate lacking of a father's affirmation and social awkwardness?

Without a strong supportive backbone, growing up, I find it hard to voice out my opinions confidently, at one point I totally felt awkward talking to guys, I have damn lots of insecurities, I am damn nervous at bringing up myself and all of these comes back to the origin of AFFIRMATION. It is something so important which I do not have, which he did not give me, and which I longed for. If you ask again, how you relate? It's simple. A backbone you developed at home, will bring you to greater heights when you come out from your cave to the world.
I know it sound funny, but KATY PERRY HERSELF SAID:

Act confident when you really aren't cope with it till you got that confidence.

True. Maybe that's what I've been doing. Holding my head up high when I feel like crawling into some hole to hide, it helps after all. But not always. Today I question myself again, why did it happened today? I am not supposed to be faking my smile, burying my awkwardness. I leaked. The old me surfaced. That few minutes felt so DAMN FREAKING LONG. I tried to clear it off but no, I can't. I can't be me. I'm afraid to show the me. And yes, they are a cliche, I felt weird, I tried but still, I got lost. Shitty days like these just make me think twice as much.

Need some time to evaluate myself. Brrrr.